Jill's Coffeeshop - The place to let go

 NOTICE: IF YOU ARE GOING TO READ THIS PLEASE LEAVE ME A COMMENT ON YOUR THOUGHTS, IDEAS, OR LET ME KNOW IF YOU THINK I NEED TO RETHINK CERTAIN THINGS... THANKS
 
I am at a loss for words. I have been thinking a lot about something lately and am dumbfounded at the responses I get from people.  I have rambled on and on about being honest and trying to live with integrity.  But for some reason these things are either dependent upon each individual's interpretation of the meanings of the words or just out of reach for them to do.

I am dumbfounded because it seems that I must be the only one that has those values and struggles with personal demons that not too many people realize I struggle with.  Heck, I must be the only one that has any values and struggles at all.  There are things about me that only a few people have ever been allowed that deep inside of me.  I don't even think Mike, with all the 16 years we were together, even knows some of them.  I am dumbfounded that they would respond that way because I do not force those demons on anyone.  I do not act on them.  I do not let them out, as I said, except for those few people that do get to know about them.  I don't even talk about the demons to most people.  Usually when I do, most of them either don't talk to me anymore or find me even more interesting.  

I had a long talk with one of my pastors today.  I had a long talk with a couple people in fact. I respect these people and value their friendship and their wisdom in the things that honestly I missed out my entire life.  Let's face it.  I missed out on some things and I don't think it is wrong for me to want some of them now.  In fact, biblically speaking, it is the only right thing to do.  I may not like what it is they tell me but I do listen to them.  I take their words to heart and mind and think on them and give them to God. 

I then asked Mike when our marriage fell apart for him.  I was not the least bit surprised by his answer.  A bit shocked but not surprised.  His answer fell into the timeframe I knew that things were way far gone and I was not able to give up any more of myself.  It was already all gone.  I had given up all I had except for the sadness and depression and the hurt and the anger.  There was nothing left without some help from him and he didn't want that from my perspective.  He wanted me to be the way he wanted me to be and none of the me I wanted to be.  Imagine my surprise to find out he blames me for not being happy. 
But back to my earlier discussions.  

Biblically speaking I should not be thinking about the things I am thinking about yet.  Although there is good and just cause for the divorce and there is no fault of mine in God's eyes,  the thoughts and actions should not be there yet.  And yet they are there.   Also, have I really worked through the issues that led to the breakup in the first place?  I don't think I have completely worked through them.  I don't know if a person can ever really deal with all of it.  I think it is something that has to be dealt with and then move on.  I think those feelings will resurface from time to time for the rest of my life.  Love is not something that ever truly goes away.  The depth of it may change but it never really goes away.  It gets imprinted in our hard circuits.  Just like some of those demons I spoke about do.  Some of them are just there.  Will be there for the rest of my life.  They are imprinted so deeply and rooted so far in that I can only do my best to work around them and let God work his miracles with them.

I can not tell you what made me so sad.  I can not tell you what depressed me so bad that I layed on the couch a lot and cried myself to sleep.  It wouldn't do any good anyway.  How I see those things that led to that and how the others involved see them are two different things.  I do know that I wish Mike all the happiness in the world.  I do not hate him for what he has chosen to do. It would do me no good to anyway.  That kind of anger and hate are not good for the body.  To be honest with myself and everyone else, I had already had some of my things packed up.  I was going to leave too, and then, decided I wanted my house that he did not want and wasn't leaving it.  I know... loser of a reason to stay somewhere that I was unhappy.  But that wasn't the only reason I didn't leave. God allowed us to be together for a reason and I was not going to second guess God. I was going to trust him.

Now I am going to trust Him to guide me to what is out there for me.  I know that all the deep dark things inside me  HE holds in is hands and watches me and protects me and keeps me.  I know that I will over and over again have to ask HIS forgiveness.  I am human.  I am bound to make mistakes and do the one thing that hurts me worse than anything else ever will.  I want to be able to hear the words "Good Job Good and faithful servant."  I want to keep living with integrity and honor.  I want to be able to hold my head up and say that I am worth something.  I want to know that I matter to someone, somewhere, somehow...

But with the hard times to come, I will keep moving on... moving on...

Life... hope...truth.. trust... faith... pride... love... lust.... 


All those things that all of us long for... all of us strive for... all of us try to have and give to others...  is that so wrong?

make the best with what you're given, this ain't life... this is living...

 

The following  is what I wrote in the hospital yesterday.  I am out now and am back at home resting and =recouperating as the drs and my friends have told me to do.  Please pray for me because it is not very often a semi healthy 39 year old has a heart attack due to stress... stress that I didn' even realize was building up as bad as it was.  I am learning real quick to let things go because it is now my health that it will affect and I really don't care what too many others say or think at this moment in time.  I heard God that day.  He spoke loud and clear to me.  I have unfinished business and HE needs me to get me back in line in order to do the works HE has planned for me.  So Step by Step I am going to get my life back in order and follow where GOD leads me.  GOD BLESS AND KEEP US ALL FOR HIS GLORY AND WORKS... AND MAY HE PROTECT US ALL IN 2009. Hospital Stays As I sit here in yet the second hospital room of this visit, I have to wonder what happened to get me here at this young of an age.  I guess I better start from the beginning of the story so that you will understand. Sunday Morning, while taking my daughter and our roommate to a store to get the hair dye kit she needed to highlight her hair my chest started hurting.  It was a pain like I have never felt before.  I kinda felt like I was going to throw up too but nothing came.  So  I ignored my pain and drove across town to the mcd's for the girls because Becca was hungry. I felt this sudden urge to lay down on someplace cool so I laid down on the bathroom floor in mcd's.  Katie texted me and asked me if I was ok.  I had tried calling Mike thinking he would tell me what I needed to know about some signs and symptoms but got no answer.  When Katie and Becca got to where I was I knew I was in trouble.  I told them we had to take Becca to her appointment and Katie insisted that she then was taking me to the er.  I got into the er and they looked at me and took me straight back no stopping at the front... Sometime after they got me into the room and had my shirt off I went into cardic arrest.  I guess it is  a good thing I didn' argue too much more with Katie and Becca or I would have been dead at Hanks more than likely because all I wanted to do was to lay down on his bed.Thank you Miss Katie and You Miss Becca for looking out for me as much as you do.  I owe you two my life.  And God. I know they had to shock me back once and it is a good thing Keith was there paying attention like he was.  I am soooo thankful that the er crew is as professional and curtious as they are.  A few things could have been avoided but none the less they did it and it will all work out how it is supposed to. I spent the first night in icu.  that was an experience.  I remember people coming in and out. I remember being told that "he" brought his sweety to the waiting room while he went in to visit me.  NOTE TO SELF: CHANGE EMERGENCY CONTACTS EVERYWHERE IF YOU  DO NOT WANT HER TO GO EVERYWHERE... There is slight damage to the heart muscle. I won't know how much until later today when the dr comes in and talks to me. It was the scare of my life. Today would have been my 16 wedding anniversay. I have not had a smoke since sunday.  I want someone very special to just come hold me and help me heal but he has to heal himself first.  I think my looking for a job is out of the question for a bit but have to talk to the dr about that. I think I have to just rest and relax and change a few things in my life to get less stress in it. I will keep you all posted as to what is going on with the hospital and the heart muscle. I wanted a new me.  I guess God found a way to show me how to make them and get them.  God help me learn to relax and have fun and not stress.  Keep me strong without overdoing it

I have started this thing three or four times now and didn't like what or how it was going.  Mainly because it hurt to know the truth about what is deep inside of me and I didn't want to face it. I knew the dangers of what I was doing. I knew better than to let him get too close. I knew the last thing we needed was for anything to happen.

 

Facing things on my own is hard. Facing things with someone hurting worse than I am is even harder.  Cutting loose a friendship that has endured many things hurts worse than Mike leaving me in the first place.  At least with Mike I knew and had felt for some time that it was just about over.  I don't want to lose my friend.  I don't want to lose the closeness that I have with him but I can not  stay as close as we have gotten for his sake and for mine.  It is not a healthy thing.

 

Not too many guys scare me.  Ever...  I know I can take care of myself... have been trained to and continue to train to...comes with the job I was once quite good at... I say once because I have been on restricted duty for so long that I am having to retone all my other muscles now.  But I digressed a bit...

 

No not too many guys scare me... but he did Christmas night  big time... we had been pushing each other away for a couple of weeks because we knew we were getting too close and neither of us wanted that... but he had a rough day on Christmas and was sooooooooo stumbling drunk and he called me as he has often done... he called me after he called another friend because the other friend had a longer drive to make and we pulled in at the same time... He was talking about knives and throats and other things... he was not in his right mind and I was determined to not let him throw away everything he has been working for... I was not going to let my friend hurt himself because of a selfish little twit who wants complete control of everything and everyone... Prior to this he made me promise to not show up unless he asked me over so he could have his space... and I did what he asked me to do until that day... I was worried about him and did what any good friend would have done...( and I remind you one other of his friends did although I don't think this friend got the same conversation that I did... no I think this friend was just concerned because his speech was slurred and he was talking about fires to his friend)

 

I showed up univited and for a while it was fine... but then he turned on me... got nasty mean... and that is what scared me... he actually came real close to doing something he would have regretted for the rest of his life.  He raised his hand to strike me.  No he didn't hit me and NO I would not have allowed it.  I would have flattened his behind before I called the cops. But he did say some things that cut the deepest darkest part of my soul and my heart.  I took the things I did that he asked me to do and turned them into something so mean and nasty. I lost a lot of respect for my friend that day as well as some for myself... I can't explain why I lost some for myself... not yet anyway... but his few statements to me showed just how much he cares and just how un-honest he is with himself.  It showed me just how close to that line that everyone warned me about we were actually playing.  It showed me that God has a better plan for me...

 

God has a big plan for my life.  I know that.  I knew that.  And had I taken this all to HIM completely instead of keeping parts of it for me I would have not gotten so close to that line.  And Had I listened to what that Voice of God was telling me deep inside I could have been spared the pain and agony that I have gone through.  I give it all to GOD now  even my friend and his healing.  He has a lot of it to do and I can not be there as much for him.  NOT and work on my getting my own life full of living that I have missed out on.

 

God Bless all of my friends and Keep them all safe and healthy during the new year.......