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January 18 Like It Is NOTICE: IF YOU ARE GOING TO READ THIS PLEASE LEAVE ME A COMMENT ON YOUR THOUGHTS, IDEAS, OR LET ME KNOW IF YOU THINK I NEED TO RETHINK CERTAIN THINGS... THANKS Biblically speaking I should not be thinking about the things I am thinking about yet. Although there is good and just cause for the divorce and there is no fault of mine in God's eyes, the thoughts and actions should not be there yet. And yet they are there. Also, have I really worked through the issues that led to the breakup in the first place? I don't think I have completely worked through them. I don't know if a person can ever really deal with all of it. I think it is something that has to be dealt with and then move on. I think those feelings will resurface from time to time for the rest of my life. Love is not something that ever truly goes away. The depth of it may change but it never really goes away. It gets imprinted in our hard circuits. Just like some of those demons I spoke about do. Some of them are just there. Will be there for the rest of my life. They are imprinted so deeply and rooted so far in that I can only do my best to work around them and let God work his miracles with them. December 31 Hospitals and Heart attacks
December 27 crossing that fuzzy lineI have started this thing three or four times now and didn't like what or how it was going. Mainly because it hurt to know the truth about what is deep inside of me and I didn't want to face it. I knew the dangers of what I was doing. I knew better than to let him get too close. I knew the last thing we needed was for anything to happen.
Facing things on my own is hard. Facing things with someone hurting worse than I am is even harder. Cutting loose a friendship that has endured many things hurts worse than Mike leaving me in the first place. At least with Mike I knew and had felt for some time that it was just about over. I don't want to lose my friend. I don't want to lose the closeness that I have with him but I can not stay as close as we have gotten for his sake and for mine. It is not a healthy thing.
Not too many guys scare me. Ever... I know I can take care of myself... have been trained to and continue to train to...comes with the job I was once quite good at... I say once because I have been on restricted duty for so long that I am having to retone all my other muscles now. But I digressed a bit...
No not too many guys scare me... but he did Christmas night big time... we had been pushing each other away for a couple of weeks because we knew we were getting too close and neither of us wanted that... but he had a rough day on Christmas and was sooooooooo stumbling drunk and he called me as he has often done... he called me after he called another friend because the other friend had a longer drive to make and we pulled in at the same time... He was talking about knives and throats and other things... he was not in his right mind and I was determined to not let him throw away everything he has been working for... I was not going to let my friend hurt himself because of a selfish little twit who wants complete control of everything and everyone... Prior to this he made me promise to not show up unless he asked me over so he could have his space... and I did what he asked me to do until that day... I was worried about him and did what any good friend would have done...( and I remind you one other of his friends did although I don't think this friend got the same conversation that I did... no I think this friend was just concerned because his speech was slurred and he was talking about fires to his friend)
I showed up univited and for a while it was fine... but then he turned on me... got nasty mean... and that is what scared me... he actually came real close to doing something he would have regretted for the rest of his life. He raised his hand to strike me. No he didn't hit me and NO I would not have allowed it. I would have flattened his behind before I called the cops. But he did say some things that cut the deepest darkest part of my soul and my heart. I took the things I did that he asked me to do and turned them into something so mean and nasty. I lost a lot of respect for my friend that day as well as some for myself... I can't explain why I lost some for myself... not yet anyway... but his few statements to me showed just how much he cares and just how un-honest he is with himself. It showed me just how close to that line that everyone warned me about we were actually playing. It showed me that God has a better plan for me...
God has a big plan for my life. I know that. I knew that. And had I taken this all to HIM completely instead of keeping parts of it for me I would have not gotten so close to that line. And Had I listened to what that Voice of God was telling me deep inside I could have been spared the pain and agony that I have gone through. I give it all to GOD now even my friend and his healing. He has a lot of it to do and I can not be there as much for him. NOT and work on my getting my own life full of living that I have missed out on.
God Bless all of my friends and Keep them all safe and healthy during the new year....... December 15 One MonthTomorrow will be one month... what a month it has been.
I went out with DJ Saturday night. Janet was supposed to go but had homework to do so she didn't go with us. We were supposed to meet a bunch of other friends but a couple never showed up. I haven't been in a bar in about 10 or 11 years and even then I was the DD so I didn't ever drink. But part of the thing for the night was I was to drink and just have fun. I had plenty of "bodyguards" seeing how most of the people that did show up are good aquaintances of mine and kept me out of most trouble. I got to see a couple of things that, well, made me laugh and made me feel good. I played pool for the first time in a long time and actually did good until a couple of people started buying me more drinks. Oh and I don't think that the individual that was actually hitting on me helped my concentration much. I even laughed when Becca called and told me she took the garage window out so she could get into the house and get some of the fruit I had just bought. She was supposed to spending the night at her friend's house and she didn't have her key. I think it was pretty funny the way she decided to get in. I fixed it Sunday morning. Don't worry... I went home alone... and I had the time of my life as of lately...
Things with Hank are moving on a wonderful and yet slow pace... that is as it should be we both think. We are enjoying the time getting to know each other and keeping each company. He is really a pretty funny and great guy. He makes me laugh and lets me be me... something which Mike would not do for a very long time... in fact, Mike would get mad if I laughed and had fun most of the time. And he - Hank - likes my smarts... in fact, he got upset with me the other day when I stopped mid-sentence about some psychological things that both our kids are experiencing and are just showing differently. He actually likes the fact that I am smart and can help him with the things he doesn't have a clue about. And that makes me feel good... that there are people out there that actually like that part of me.
The doctor confirmed last week what I already suspected. I do have a partial permanent impairment to my leg now. I do not yet know what the percentage that he wrote down for the state but I do know I will never again be a full time security guard and I will not be able to work at any of the types of jobs that I have done in the past unless some major modifications and allowances are made to let me not stand for more than an hour or so at a time. I have to call the State workers comp person that has been handling my case from day two... There are a lot of questions and a lot of work that needs to be done now concerning this. But this is also what I needed to help me try to once again convince Mike that he needs to pay some alimony for the time being at least. That is the one thing I may need to get a lawyer about.
God bless you all... thanks for the prayers and keep it up please...
Jill December 12 Day by DayI never fully knew or understood just how much I had changed for someone who really didn't want to be with me over the last few years. Not that all the changes I had made were bad. MOST of them were for the best. But I also miss those good things of me that I had to stop being and stop doing because they made him feel stupid or he thought it was only man's work to do or my personal favorite...... I might actually have friends that like hanging out and doing things with me.
A few of those friends, very few, want the old Jill back... the one that laughed and had fun and was not afraid of life. Most of my friends have or had stopped talking to me a long time ago because of him being so controlling and them not liking to see me hurt and sad all the time. Now they don't talk to me out of something... I think it is stupidity myself because one of the reasons they have given me is I have not filed yet. To them it doesn't matter that he is not coming back ever... I will not ever take him back... No that doesn't matter to them... and that hurts that they still will not talk to me or do things because of him. That hurts as deep as the way he left me.
I think it is there loss at this point in time because I have some real good friends that are being supportive of most of the stuff I am doing. I say most because they are concerned about the friendship I still have with Hank. They keep warning me to be careful and not let things go to that place that neither of us need. And we both know and agree we can't go to that place. But we are friends and we do have fun hanging out and just sitting... even in the cold we sit by campfires and just talk... giggle a lot actually...
Would I get into that type of relationship with him??? Perhaps in time... I think he is a great guy... am I looking for that right now??? NO... But I do need friends to talk to and he needs friends to talk to and I feel good when I am doing things with him... I DON'T EVEN GET THE URGE TO SMOKE AROUND HIM... WHICH IS AMAZING BECAUSE LATELY I HAVE BEEN SMOKING A LOT MORE AND I DON'T SMOKE AROUND HIM.
I know that people say that I should be hanging out with other females and not depending on males for support but I have always and forever been able to be closer friends with men than women. That is something that has been a part of me since I was 7 or 8 years old. Growing up with brothers and male cousins only to play with sort of just made it easier to be friends with them and their friends. The only reason most of the girls ever wanted to do anything with me was to get to one of them.
Most of the women that are in my life are acquaintances that are avoiding me right now because it is an awkward situation to be in the middle of a divorce. Some have put me down because I am not fighting to get him back and am trying to remain on friendly terms with him through this all. I don't need friends and companions that can not understand or try to understand how I feel about this.
Keep up the prayers please. God will give me the strength I need and the tools in which to rebuild and start over with my life. December 05 Be anxious for nothingBe anxious for nothing, but in everything
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving
let your request be known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all
comprehension, shall guard your hearts
and minds in Christ Jesus.
Phillippians 4:6,7
There is something to be said about the Peace of God that surpasses all understanding. It calms the hurt and the storms that rage inside with a forcefullness that no one can understand. Life is in such turmoil right now and yet part of me is at peace. And it is a peace that no matter how I try I can not explain it to anyone. I have spent my time lately cleaning out his garbage, remembering the things from the past - both the good and the bad- that brought us to the place that we are. Sometimes it makes me lonely and sad. Sometimes it makes me mad. Sometimes it makes me glad.
There are things that time will have to heal. There are things that I don't ever think will heal. The pain will stop, of that I am almost sure. God can do anything and those are the things that I am leaving to him. I am not even panicking about the two letters from jobs I applied for telling me that there were over 100 people that applied for one job and that they would keep my resume for one year or to reapply if another job came available. God has a plan with all of this - that I am sure of.
I called my workers comp person the other day to explain what was going on and to see if I could get a copy of my file from her. I can only if I want to pay 35 cents a copy and it is a thick folder she said. She did tell me, however, how a few other things are going to work. The first thing is that the dr said in his last update that he expects me to be at mmi ( maximum medical improvement) by February or March unless I prove to him on the 8th that it isn't going to get much better. He also stated in the letter to workers comp that I will never be at 100%. That means that I will be getting some money. The case worker said that I could either get it in a lump sum or bi-weekly payments. Which means that it will be more than the $200 that the idiot boss of mine said is all I would be getting. I will wait upon the Lord on this and do what I have to in the mean time. Like the dr's appointment and the phone calls and stuff like that.
There are other things that I have to do as the days go on and I will tell you about those as the weeks go by.
God bless you all... November 29 New chapter of LifeTo all my friends: Warning parts of this some may find offensive - please do not read if you get offended easily by how others feel... or by the words they use to describe them...
I am sorry I have not been on in forever. My life has been on a rollercoaster for a very long time. Between my leg and my family, I have not exactly been myself. I will fill in the details...
They took the metal out of my leg in September. It turns out it was the screws I was feeling all along. I am allergic to metals. I knew this before the surgery. Didn't think to tell them about it because it is usually just earrings and rings and necklaces. Never thought about what it would do on the inside. That part of the pain has been gone since they took the metal out. My bones are still real thin and they are telling me I have the onset of post traumatic osteo-arthitis in it. The cold is killing it right now. And we have cold without the snow
 which sucks big time for the end of November. I wasn't supposed to go back to the Dr. until July but something more serious has come up and am being forced to go December 8th.Now don't worry, other than the cold hurting it, IT is fine... but here is where the rest of the trouble begins...
As many of you know, my marriage has been in a lot of trouble. I have spent the time I have not been on here trying to save it and one of the things that Mrfit, whom I might add is not fit anymore, wanted was for me to be off the computer more. So I complied. I did everything he asked me to. The more I did the more he wanted and the more controlling and demanding he got. I wasn't allowed to leave without him or my daughter being with me and had to answer all of his questions while he gave the response when I asked "it's my life and I need some privacy." So I did what he asked.
When it came to our daughter, I was not supposed to yell at her or make her do chores if she didn't choose to because it caused fights all the time and she knew her father would side with her. That didn't help the situation at all because it would cause fights between him and I. So I stopped fighting with her and became what I affectionate called myself a lot of the time as either their little nigga bitch or their isrealite slave... I used both a lot the last few months because my daughter objected to me calling myself a nigga bitch and her massa... not much difference between the two though... both had to endure Many many hardships and years of pain and suffering at the hands of others, doing all the work while those around got fat and lazy.
After I quit yelling at my daughter, the distance between my husband and I just kept getting farther and farther and deeper and deeper. I knew something wasn't right but was lied to time after time after time... I kept asking him if he was having an affair knowing that the signs, smells, and things I was enduring were all part of what those cheating on their spouses were a part of.
Two weeks ago my world crashed.
He came home about hours early from one of his practicals for his paramedic schooling. He said he had a confession to make, that he was having an affair and that Abbie had told her husband early that morning and that he was leaving me and taking my daughter with him. Now you should know that Abbie and her husband Hank were friends of ours. I should also tell you that Abbie is 27 years old and Mike and I will be 40 within the next 8 months. Abbie's husband is 32 and was completely blindsided by this. Like I said I had watched the signs because of my own education. Needless to say This still hurt like hell and I was as angry as could be. He gathered up a lot of his stuff and almost all of Becca's stuff and took it to his parent's house. And Abbie went and made Hank leave thier house. That is where they spent the first night. Then Hank got wise and made my husband leave his house. Which meant that becca and him had no place to sleep. His parents do not like what he did or how he decided to leave me. They will not allow her on thier property at all... they do not want mike to come back home but do not want her there at all. She is not even allowed to call on the phone for him if he or becca are at mike's parents house. That made them pretty much homeless. The second night he let becca stay at a friend's house so she wasn't sleeping in a cold truck. And his parents told him that they would file for permanent custody of Becca if that was how he was going to parent her, by pawning her off on other people so he could have his fun with the twit.
That is where I put my foot down and told him that I would take him for everything if he didn't return Becca to me, that he wasn't going to pawn my daughter off on others and I would be damned if his parents were going to get her when I was perfectly capable of raising my own daughter. So She came back home. He spent the next few days taking part of his things out of the house (an hour a day) and trying to find a place to live so he could take Becca away from me again...
He found a place... not where he wants it or needs it to be but it is a month by month lease so when he finds one in Evergreen (which is the little community we live in outside of Kalispell) it will work.
I MUST SAY NOW THAT WE ARE ENDING THIS AS FRIENDS AND AS NICELY AS POSSIBLE....
We took care of getting his name off most of our bills. We still have a few things to iron out and we are not filing for the divorce until after the new year- mostly for tax reason. Our only major fight is over what the state of Montana calls maintainance aka alimony... I can prove beyond a shadow of doubt that he has supported me for the last 16 years. He doesn't want to pay any of it. That is why I have to go to the dr on December 8th. To see if the dr will close the file saying I am either partially disabled because of my break or that I am as healed as I am going to be and have the Workers Comp close my case so he doesn't have to pay anything to me. I get the house but his name is still on it which means he gets my insurance account number and will get a good part of the check if anything happens to the house. His name is still on my blazer as well which means he will get any of that money too. He promises me that he would give it all to me but right now his word doesn't mean much to me unless I get it in writing and he signs it.
Becca is the one that came up with the custody plan. I get her one week then one week with him and I get her every Wednesday. I get her the first week of the month - every month- so that she can continue with her church youth activities that she does.
I must add now that my faith is still as strong as it always was ... BUT I NEED A LOT OF PRAYERS TO GET ME THROUGH THIS. ALTHOUGH WE ARE DOING THIS AS FRIENDS IT STILL HURTS A LOT AND I HAVE HAD TO ASK A LOT OF PEOPLE IF GOD WAS GOING TO PUNISH ME FOR WHAT IS GOING ON. AND GOD HAS BEEN SPEAKING TO ME A LOT THE LAST TWO WEEKS.
I really don't want the divorce but have spent 16 years trying to make that man happy and if this is what makes him happy then so be it. I get my house, my blazer and pretty much everything that we have ever obtained throughout our marraige... he even left me his dog. There was a big fight over the toyota that he came into our marriage with. He gave it to me a few years ago when it broke down and doesn't remember that. He was trying to sell it to his sister. They still want to buy it and I finally gave in to it but they don't have the money. AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO CLEAN UP THE CRAP HE LEFT HERE THAT IS ALL HIS... so he came up with the perfect solution. I get the toyota to do with as I please for cleaning up his garbage.....
But the day after he told me that he said he was going to call Child protective services on me because of all the garbage and crap in my house... that they would understand boxes when he was just moving in but would not understand piles and piles (16 years worth) of garbage all over his areas and that I would not be able to prove it was his... lol I don't think he realizes his name is on most of it.
SO I TOLD HIM I WOULD GO AFTER THE TOTAL AMOUNT THAT THE STATE OF MONTANA ALLOWS IN ALIMONY IF HE DID THAT which is $10,000 a year for every year over 10 years. That totals out to be $60,000 and he doesn't have that and doesn't want to pay that so that ended the cps call.
Most everything we have agreed on without too many fights. I even have a couple of my male friends talking to me again. Yes I am being careful. I know that rebound relationships don't usually last. I am not looking for a long term relationship right now... Just some friendly male companionship - friendship - to go do things with when I want to go out and do things....
I have all the paperwork for the divorce... Almost everything is agreed upon... just have to put it in the paperwork... Like I said we are actually ending this as friends... We still love each other... always will... just are not IN LOVE with each other and have very little in common anymore.
I am looking for a job as well... My security guard job - which I haven't been allowed to work very much because of my knee - slows down in the winter - and I have to be able to support myself... and Becca on my weeks... But jobs are hard to get right now because there are many many comanies laying people off here or closing completely ... one job I applied for had 272 people apply for it. So am still looking ...
God bless you all... I will keep writing to tell you more but I need to go wipe my eyes and run an errand for my daughter... she is at her dad's sick as can be and needs her mom to bring her something lololol.....
PLEASE PRAY FOR STRENGTH, PEACE OF HEART AND HEALING FOR US ALL... WE ALL NEED IT...
THANK YOU
May 11 HAPPY MOTHER'S DAYHAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL TH E MOTHERS THAT READ THIS...
MAY YOUR DAY BE FILLED WITH GREAT BLESSINGS AND LOTS OF LOVE...
HUGS AND PRAYERS
JILL Racetrack woes and work difficultiesAs you all know, I work at the racetrack as security... I am gathering that I missed a lot the end of last summer while I was laying in the hospital bed in my living room recuperating... but that is another blog.......... I am going to write today about somethings that have been going on with my work so that I can sort out what it is that I am missing.... we will start with last night and go backwards and maybe even go back and forth between the two...
Last night was a pretty decent night as far as work goes... had to get after a couple of kids (actually it was 5) for spitting and throwing pennies down at another group of kids and acidentally hitting some adults that were innocently passing by to get more alcohol... no biggie... the adult that was responsible for them took them aside and had a very serious heart to heart with them and they all came and appologized to me and told me they would not do it again and I told them they should also so the same thing to the other boys without starting a fiight with them...end of that problem...
We had a nasty car crash... a real nasty nasty one... one that requires the medical team and fire/rescue team to respond out too... that means as guards we must keep everyone off the fence and away from the scene so that there is no panic and no outside trouble for those clearing the track and tending to the driver and his car... not an easy task when the crowd thinks it is above the rules and can do what they want... I was called a few names on more than one occasion last night lol.... I must have said get off the hill and get away from the fence in a loud and stern voice over 100 times in a 20 foot stretch of the fence... you would think that after the first 25 times they would all get the idea but nooooooooooooo as soon as my back was turned to move someone else those I just moved would go back to where they were just moved from... nimrods..... I just shake my head thinking about them now... how stupid can one be...... you would think that they would respect that little rule for the sake of respecting the driver and his family, who can go to the officials and get a "piggyback" ride to the pits where they will get more info.... they wouldn't want strangers gauking at them or their loved ones like that would they? who knows...
We had a few MIP's as well... one we had arrested... the others ... well... we blew it on them but shame on the parents that were with them that would not allow us to even deal with the others... but the young lady, and I use the term out of respect, we had dead to rights with a bag full of glass bottles of beer and one she had opened in her hand... she was a mouthy little thing... with little or no respect for her elders.... she wasn't much better when the deputies arrived either... but it was dealt with and in the end it will send a message to others... not that they will heed it...
but back to my job.........
I had mentioned that some things were not quite right since I have been back... I lost my position of being supervisor... my boss has given me four different stories as to why I have lost it... the best one or at least the one that gets my goat the most is the fact that after two straight hours of being on my feet and consequencially my leg I start to limp... well duh.... they told me when I first broke it, it would be up to a year before things were back to semi normal if they ever returned that way... it is a major major major break I did and most people aren't even to the level I am at in recovery for 9 months... so yeah I limp... that is why the doctor put restrictions on me... and told me to move at my pace with the job because I have been doing so well with the recovery...
So I limp... big deal... we have one that just came back from back surgery who stands with his hands on his lower back... we have one that is recovering from a rare form of cancer.... we have young ones that want more pay but do less work and I do mean less work... and I lost my title because I limp??????????? This not only irritates me greatly but it is also highly illegal in the great state of Montana... work related injuries must be put back at the same position as they were when they were injured... so I could fight this if I really wanted to... but..... well let me give you more details.....
but I have been working for a couple of months knowing I am no longer supervisor... I am trying to be understanding about this but am finding it more difficult lately ....
Last weekend was the first race of the season... our loan supervisor for the company (we used to have a couple) was in Denver.... we started the racing season without a supervisor... my boss came to check on us at the track... no biggie... right?????? WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First I was in trouble because I was at the ticket booth trying to deal with the foulup of a new ticketing system and trying to get the people through as fast as possible as the track boss wanted us to do... but my boss does not want me standing at the ticket booth I am to be walking around the entire time.... (hmmmmmmm refer to above please) second thing my boss said to me was that I was to have given one of the officials one of our radios.....(hmmmm sounds to me like a supervisor task) then I was told it was my responsiblility to make sure the other two guards were doing what was needed to be done on top of doing what I needed to be doing which is what the other two are doing as well... (hmmm then again sounds like a supervisor thing to me).... He did tell me that was I senior guard out there and as senior guard it was my responsibility to make sure things ran smoothly and if not inform my supervisor and if he wasn't available I was to remedy it as it occured and then inform the supervisor or my boss as soon as possible... well that is what I was doing... and I could have done that from the ticket area... I can see the guards making rounds... I have radios to talk to them to see how things are going from their point of veiw... I did manage to make my leg swell up and my foot go numb (which I will get to in a moment)... sooooo basically speaking I am to do the role of a supervisor without the supervisor title or the extra pay the supervisor gets...
And it really isn't about the money to me because I like my job... I would ok with not getting the extra pay as long as I got to be the supervisor I once was and the respect of the fact that I am quite capable of doing my job above and beyond needing to have my hand held while the younger ones that are coming in believe that watching the crowd at events means looking at the event instead... or even better being passive and accepting of things that are not only against the rules of those businesses but illegal in the state of Montana... I agree there are certain things that can be dealt with in a passive manner with just a stearn warning and such but some things can not... for the safety of all those around... and I am not just speaking of personal safety but the safety of business too....
So there you have it... I break my leg, lose my title, am expected to do the job that goes along with the lost title, and figure out my leg problems that my boss is forgetting about...(yes he knows about the restrictions, he has the paperwork in my file) .......Like I said, I have to think this all through...it isn't about the money... it is about respect, and honor... it is about right and wrong... and I thought that that was one of the most important things in my job was respecting rules and what was right and wrong... if we do not have those in our job it makes us no better than the company we replaced at several of the locations we work at... I still don't know what I am going to do about it yet.... I do know that on Monday I am calling my doctor about my leg... I should not be hurting as much or swelling as much as I do... My foot should not be going painfully numb... the numb part isn't painful... it is the two toes that feel like they are being stabbed as the rest of the foot is numb... these things should not be happening.... and they only happen after three or more hours of constant walking and working my leg... if I sit for a few moments and am not on it for straight hours then it doesn't happen.... but it is the straight and constant hours of walking that does it... and I know this because I mow my yard and as long as I stop every so often it doesn't swell up and hurt like it does at work... and my yard takes about three hours to mow under normal conditions...
God bless and take care... April 30 back again :)Sorry I have been gone for quite a while. Some things have been going on around my house and in my life and I just had to sort through them all. Actually I have not yet sorted through them all but I have gotten myself back up out of that slump that my family seems to enjoy my being in. I think it makes them feel getter when I feel depressed and miserable. Whatever their reasons are for treating me the way they do, they are not sharing with me. I am, however, trying very hard to not take too much of it anymore... thus the reason for not being on here as much... I have found that if I keep myself busy off the computer they don't complain and get as nasty...
They do however claim that they did all the work that I have done lol.... which is funny and ironic considering that they are either gone or asleep while I am doing most of the work. (which is also why I am on at this moment - everyone is either sleeping or working or at school and I have done a heck of a lot of work since 7 a.m. this morning). They do not see anything wrong or flawed in how they behave and think. I suppose I can not fault them for that... I see it all the time in the society of today... I stopped writing because I looked back and realized that by my complaining I realized that my complaining was nothing more than what they were doing on a different level. I was being self centered as well... I realize that I mean very little to them other than a person to clean up after them and drop everything to do whatever it is that they want... I realized that Mrfit has his personal and private reasons for not wanting to be seen with me or to have me outside of this house except for when I am in uniform under someone else's supervision (oh yeah, the supervisor is a close personal friend of mine and Mrfit's)...
As for the work around the house... I have been told several times not to do certain things because of my leg... I have no choice now but to do those things because I can't get anyone to help me do those things... it is a matter of necessity that I am forced to do things that my leg doesn't need me to do... I am learning that I can work through a lot of pain once again... just wish I didn't have to...
I lost most of my raspberry plants over the summer... I think that that is due to the fact that no one would go out and water my yard or my gardens... plants tend to die when not tended to... it is like that with people too... they tend to wither and die when not tended to...
The races start Saturday night here... the weather forecasts say it will rain... we will see... it doesn't really matter to me one way or the other anymore... I lost my supervisor position because of my broken leg... I can't prove that that is the reason he took it from me but he did... and we are starting the racing season without a supervisor... it should be quite the experience... All of the officials at the racetrack were giving me the instructions for this weekend just like nothing had happened and I kept telling them I would let the supervisor know... then my boss tells me I will have to make sure that the other guards are where they need to be and doing what they need to be.... hmmmmmm sounds like a supervisor responsibility to me... and because I am no longer being paid to be supervisor I guess my boss will have to go to the racetrack to make sure things are in order himself... I can't tell you how much it hurts my feelings and makes me angry that he did that... considering I have been working for him longer than any of the rest of the guards... I suppose I should talk to him about it... but it won't do any good... so why bother at this point...
I know that God won't give me any more than I can handle but sometimes I wish and I pray that just for a little bit I can have a bit of happiness and peace without all the pain and stress and other bs that I have to endure... Don't worry about me... pray for me... I will be on here more now... I have discovered that if I work late into the evening when they are all around that I don't get into near as much trouble as it were... March 23 work?????????HAPPY EASTER TO EVERYONE...
I wish it would warm up some more. The cold is still playing havic on my leg... or more precise - my knee where that top screw is...
My boss called me before our shifts were to start at the winter rodeo series finals this weekend... he said he had watched the videos from the last rodeo series and noticed that I was limping pretty g ood after both nights of walking back and forth for 6 plus hours... said he would like me to think about working the smoking area where I could take a stool out to sit on when no one was around and relieve my leg a bit because i only have a little over a month before I start at the racetrack... Good theory in thought... bad idea with Montana weather being the way it is... I watched a storm (ot just a storm a full fledged snow storm where it was a deep dark grey snow blanket falling from the sky type of storm) all evening as it circled around us ... and it was cold and my leg hurt worse from being out in the cold the one night than it did working both nights the last rodeo...
But I sucked it up and did my job with a smile... and didn't complain... and did it again last night even though last night was not near as cold as i t was Friday night... Last night I even rescued a loose horse before the vehicles that decide the parking lot is to be sped in hit it... we had a couple inform me that it was loose right after they had to stop and wait for it before they hit it... I guess it is a good thing that not all of the people that go to the rodeos are speeders of the parking lots
 This last week my daughter has been on spring break... it has been an experience this year for sure... she was to help me remodel the half bath which we all call her bathroom because all of her stuff is in it and she refuses to keep it clean.... needless to say we have the wallpaper on it and that is about it... the new sink and davinity(spelling is way off I know) are sitting in the garage waiting to be put in but I think I will wait until she goes back to school and get Janet and DJ to help me at least move it to the bathroom for me... It will be easier than to keep arguing with her over when we are go ing to do it.... and how I don't understand how it is her vacation and she never gets to see her friends... and blah blah blah blah blah....
I have been doing a bit of spring cleaning this week, though...
AGAIN I SAY HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! March 12 Racetrack or arena???I love my job sometimes... I actually have fun at it, for the most part, even if idiotic people irritate me at work... My boss had the meeting with the racetrack officials and owners... we are going to be so busy this summer... My boss said, however, that his three most dependable, most stable people can not all three work at the track... one of us has to work at the arena to supervise as such... because there are two females and one male, I got to choose which I wanted to work because we can't do both... I chose, of course, the racetrack for the summer... I happen to know that there is not a lot going on at the arena that they need guards for... I have the dates marked on the calendar for the arena... it comes out to about a weekend a month... My friend, confidant and overall helper, Janet, is one of the guards that is included in the group that my boss was talking about... Unfortunately, we are the only two females included in the group and only one of us can be at the racetrack.... the good news is that she doesn't want to be at the racetrack if she has a choice because she has schooling she is doing and that is full time as it is... so it works out for both of us in the end
 There are a couple more events at the arena before the races start... I am not sure if I am going to get to work them... I know that the ones being hired to help cover things are going to need trained so there is a possibility that I will work them in order to train the new ones...
Enough of work... The weather has been nice here and I have been slowly working on my yard... I think it is going to take most of the spring and summer for me to repair the damage from my mishap last summer... no one in my family took care of my yard for me so it is all nasty...even the leaves never got raked so they are grossly sogging my yard... my strawberries... my raspberries... my flowers... most of them are overgrown with grassy-type stuff...
OHHHHHH did I mention it hurts like a s.o.b. to do a lot of the yardwork yet... after two hours my leg is swollen and hurts... I will just have to do what I can as I can each and every day... If I do a couple of hours a day, it will plug along and come together, even if right now it seems that I will not ever get to the end and have a nice looking well groomed yard....
Well I am off for now...
Have a blessed week.... March 02 Moronic behaviors part oneOK, let it be said that nothing and I repeat NOTHING in my life is ever to a boring stage... I don't think I would know how to handle a boring life... Also, let it be said that every part of my life is interconnected by some factor other than just myself...
If we get down to the nitty gritty... all of our lives are that way...
But first, rodeo and security news... there is something to be said about pushing one's self to be the best... to be driven to do your honest to goodness best at what you are doing... to actually care about the job and person or persons you work for for more than just a job and money's sake... with that being said........
The rodeo was ok... I was supervisor this weekend for all the good it did... because of the limitations on my work release and my knee, I can not climb the bleacher stairs very well without a lot of strain, so I was placed where I had no stairs to climb, which put a damper on being supervisor... it is kind of hard to supervise when you are on the complete opposite side of the building and all the other guards are on the other side... for one thing you can't keep an eye on what is going on and you have to have faith that your guards will keep you up to date and posted as to what is going on... when your guards won't do that and go over your head about things it is really disheartening and depressing to say the very least... and that is what the three other guards did on Friday... they did it to an extent on Saturday as well but after the boss layed into them before work on Saturday, they did keep me a bit more informed as to what was going on at least... they also stepped on each other's toes in doing the job... one right and one wrong and neither bothered telling me what was going on... I should have been the first one informed not the other guard... I should have been the one to decide what to do... and I should have been the one to go to the boss with it ... but being left on the other side of no man's land left me out of the loop and left the two of them thinking they were in charge...
But that is ok... I can deal with that... because I had forgotten just how little members of the female sex bother cowboys and bull-riders as they are changing into their "get-ups". It was actually a very interesting experience on my side because most of them were very mature and very well behaved... they were friendly and outgoing and understanding as to why we are now having security where none was present before... and they all giggled over the fact that I would act normal-like and not all business...
Don't get me wrong, there were times I had to send someone away that was not supposed to be where they were... and I had one major incident myself that I should have handled differently probably... but for the most part it was quite quiet and easy...
One major incident... bull rider gets stepped on... bull rider is 17... bull rider walks out of the riding arena... bull rider is crying not so much tears but is in quite a bit of pain... bull rider's mom comes over from the stands... big no no considering the area is for contestants only... but under the circumstances she is over here... she starts in yelling about how he is done that she is not doing this anymore... that this is f*in bs and blah blah blah ... I am sure you get the idea... anyway I step in between her and her son... tell her that she needs to get back to the other side... the last thing the paramedic or the boy needed was an emotional mother screaming at him that he was done because he got hurt again for like the 6th time in the last year or so... she told me if anyone was leaving it would be me in a body bag... I laughed at her and told her I would help her leave... just then the kid's dad told me she was staying and told her to zip her lips... and she quieted down and actually started to do what her training and education is in... SHE IS AN ER NURSE... of all things... so her and the paramedic looked the kid over... nothing broken just quite a few painful skin abrasions... and a lot of swelling... the kid was lucky...it could have been a whole lot worse... the mother is even luckier... had I wanted to be a real pain in the ass and not be understanding as a mother.... I would have been within my full rights of my job to not only escort her back to the appropriate side but out of the building completely for the abusive nature in which she approached a person entrusted to my watch....
I pulled her aside after the young man was up on both feet again and said I was sorry for having to get into her face and I told her her the reasoning behind it... the last thing that that young man needed was for her to come over yelling as she did...and then I asked her what the appropriate procedure is when a parent is acting like that in ER and what she would do to me if I had taken my child there yelling??!!?? she walked off to the other side after telling her husband that he had to drive the son's truck home because she did not want him driving a stick home... I then pulled the husband aside and appologized for threatening to escort her completely out of the building and explained to him why I did what I did and he informed me that it was ok... no harm no foul... that it was not the first time and wouldn't be the last time she acted like that when the boy got hurt... I think it is a good thing that he is almost 18 because she needs to cut her dang apron strings and let the kid do what he wants to do without being a pain in everyone's behind...
But as I stated earlier, I am driven to do my best, and I will take this incident and learn from it... next month when the rodeo is back again, I will make sure that she has no access to that area whatsoever...
I will be glad and thankful when race season starts up... I will go to the track then, and with the exception of a couple events, will be there all summer... and they are bringing in some concerts this summer... I hope they get who they are trying to bring in... the last names that the owner of the racetrack mentioned to me were Alice Cooper, Vince Neal and Kenny Rogers.... now the last one will be quite worth it to me... I know who the other two are and actually listen to one or two of their songs but I have to age myself a bit and admit that I LIKE KENNY ROGERS....
I am not sure what my boss is going to do with both of his supervisors working at the racetrack instead of the arena especially after it has been proven that there are those that go over each other's heads and don't think the others can do their jobs... but I have been promised to be able to return to the racetrack and I have been requested by the racetrack officials and owners to be there... so I will be there and do my best and do what I am good at...
OH and it probably helps that I have been doing a lot of self learning and reading on more techniques and rules and regs about my job... and criminal psychology... something which is very intriguing in its own right... I will get into that at a later time...
HUGS and PRAYERS February 26 work and fluLife has a way of giving me new loops to jump through just when I think things are on the upwards rebound...
My wonderful attempt to work the arenacross this last weekend was not a complete failure but I did only work one day of the two. I was down for most of the week with influenza type A... don't ask me the difference between them for I do not know... but my fever of 103 plus finally broke sometime Friday and my boss let me work Saturday... actually needed me to work because two others went down with it by the end of Friday night... He put me in the way back away from everyone watching the doors for those that would try to sneak in... it wasn't actually all that bad because I was out of the veiw of people so I could sit if I needed to but it was awful lonely and boring... but it was work and I had fun anyway... My temp all week bounced between 101 and 103.4 which is not all that great for me... it causes nasty little fever blisters on my lips when it gets that high... only in one spot too... which is curious to me... strange I know...
A nice little side effect of my being sick... Mrfit is now sick... hahahahahahehehehehehe.... actually I feel bad for him for being sick... he missed school Monday and has a test on Wednesday... oh and he used up the last of the daytime cold and flu stuff we had in the house and I have no way of going and getting him anymore and I will be danged if I am going to walk three miles to get him some more.... just isn't going to happen...
I get to work the rodeo this weekend... it should be a blast... although I am thinking that someone will have to be back in the area I was in for the arenacross again... I am hoping I will at least be put at the smoking doors this time... I understand why he wanted me back away from people and in a place where if the fumes got to be too much I could step outside and still do my job and get out of the fumes for a few moments...
oh oh oh oh...... (this is me being excited... very excited) oh oh oh oh oh oh .....
I have green plants starting to sprout up and out and growing... this is sooooooooooo cool and awesome... because I also still have snow all over parts of my yards.... this new growth is under my kitchen window and faces east... I always get it about mid-February and even if it snows it doesn't die... it is so awesome to see because it reaffirms that spring is coming and that life is good... even with all the cold and bitterness and the dead stuff lying with it the green stuff is beautiful...
sort of reminds me of life... even with the bitterness of the storms that seem to be hammering me, there is such beauty and wonderful things all around me... also reminds me of JOB... think I will re-read JOB tonight... will blog on what I learn later...
for now HUGS and PRAYERS February 18 Accountawhat?????Ok, so I have some time alone and all the chores are done that anyone could and would get mad at me for not having done. Actually, I have spent a lot of time by myself lately. Not by choice but I was trying to prove a point to someone who really does not give a crap about anything that does not put him at the center of my universe. Forget that I may need to go to a store. Forget that I may need adult conversation now and then. Forget the fact that time and time again I have mentioned these things to him. IF it does not center around him, it must not be important.
I know that some of you, along with some of my close friends, think I should just walk away and be happy again. It is not that I am unhappy. Oh ... wait.... yes I am... I am tired of being treated like I don't matter. God made me to matter. God made me ... I matter to HIM... but that doesn't help that deep down feeling... you know the one... the one that gnaws at your inner being.... the one that says you need to be important to at least one other person... I don't leave because for all of my life I have walked away from things instead of dealing with them... I have drank them away (or so I thought)... I have moved away from them... I have even drugged them out of my mind... but they are always there... there is no escaping them...
Even my mom says that there signs of these things as a small child... Now my mom and I often remember the same situation differently... I suppose that comes from the fact that there are always three different sides to every story... what I saw, what you saw, and what actually truly happened... so there has to be some basis for what my mother tells both me and my other half... but the only thing he ever remembers when I tell him about some of these things that I am feeling now is that fact that my mother told him I have always been emotional and then he tells me to get over it and walks off...
I think on those things from the past to try and help me figure out the now... events from long ago have shaped how I am today and I need to figure out what it is that has had this effect... I try to remember good things but they are few and far between... I had always assumed it was because what I do remember happening was so traumatic for a child to deal with... but sometimes I think that it goes back even farther than that... and that stuff I do remember as a child never got dealt with either... was just pushed aside so that no one else had to deal with their actions or lack of actions...
SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY THAT NO ONE IS EVER HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE THINGS THAT THEY DO THAT THEY KNOW THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT HURTS ANOTHER LIVING BEING....
Nothing ever gets dealt with... and I am left feeling things that I know what are... I know what I would tell others to do... I even know that there are meds to help me until I get past this but I also know I am not going to turn to any drugs legal or otherwise to deal with this anymore.... I also know that walking away isn't going to change the fact that there are flaws in both of us that need to be worked on and only one of us doing so isn't going to save anything...
I try to be supportive of all he wants to do and does... but I don't even get the same respect when it comes to a job I want to apply for or a task I want to try... instead I get you can't do that... or you don't need to do that... and I am not to ask anyone else to drive me around anymore so I can't even have my friends take me to do it...
I tried surprising him with something the other day and he got mad at me for him... I was only trying to show him I was thinking of him... the look in his face was all it took ... but the tone in his voice pushed me over the edge...
no I didn't get mad...
Actually, I crawled within myself... I wouldn't even let myself cry as long as he was around... but when they came they came hard and long... and didn't stop until he showed back up.... and then after he left again they started...
But onto some brighter notes.... I started work two weekends ago. It felt so good to be back to work... even with the jerks that think they are above the rules and can do what they want... those are the ones that are the most fun... when people ask me why I do what I do I usually respond with "I like my job because I get paid to be a b*t*h." and that is the sum of it... I get to be around different people all the time and I get to be rather blunt and somewhat forceful to some...
The racetrack is going to be fun this summer... they are increasing the days to both Fridays and Saturdays this summer instead of just Saturdays... and they are going to have summer concerts as well... they will be a blast... Supposedly Vince Neal is supposed to be coming this summer... You know... formerly from Motley Crew.... will see.... Also one of the latest Am. Idol winners is supposed to be coming.... OH.......... AND THE RACING TRUCKS..... THE BIG RIGS THAT RACE.... now all they have to do is increase the track size and get my sweety here...... oh yeah... he is too famous now to come up here....
All I will tell you about that is there are two nascar drivers that I would not mind frisking at all... not one bit lol.......... or even just talking to for an hour... I have so many questions for them....This coming weekend I get to do a arenacross... I will let you know how that goes...
Be well my friends.... God bless you all....
February 02 what was thenI don't remember much looking back at my life. I don't remember much , that is, except the pain. Little things of pleasure pop up here and there. Memories linger around more often though. It's funny, ironically speaking, how present day can bring all th ose things back that I tried so hard to put away for good. I remember little things but then I think about them and then I think that maybe the thought I first had happened at a different span in time than I first remembered them at. I start doubting my own sanity because I don't remember things that happened to me the way others involved remember them happening. There are so many unanswered questions. No one wants to talk about it. Yet everyone blames everyone else. And no one moves on. No wonder no one talks. It's no wonder no one works on anything to improve the relationships.
I know that there are things back th ere that affect everything I do in the present. I don't know how I am ever to work on things if I doubt myself so much about that part of my life. I don't know how I am to ever feel that rightness I felt before. I can't even say what brought all these self doubts back. I can only g uess at part of them. I know that they have been working at it for quite a long period in my life.
I think when I started giving up myself to what others thought I should be or feel, I started losing what I had worked so hard to gain. I can't help but feel as I did before I started that long walk back to me... the long walk that God had planned for me all along. I see a lot of long walks and curves on that road again. January 22 the leg update...I am released for modified work. In the security guard field, that leaves very little I can do. I can not climb at all. NO running... limited stairs. Limited standing. I am not released to stop wearing my brace as long as it is icy and snowy out.
I have started walking laps at the health club. I do a mile a day. Then it is off to the authorized and approved machines that the doctor told me I can do. It seems that while most of the bone is healed, it is still very soft and even the ball-part of the fibia bone is even soft now from not using it as it should have been. I am learning a lot about bone make-up and just exactly how much we depend upon and need our bones. I can not put any added weight on the machines that I am allowed to use, which is probably a good thing because even without the weights on it, the machines hurt some.
The walks have proven to be quite interesting. Mrfit and I have talked during them. Some of it good talk, some small talk, some not so good talk. But at least it is talking. It is a start. I have always tended to walk fast. I have to learn to slow myself down because the walks hurt. I have also noticed (and he has to because he mentioned it today) that I speed up when I am mad, uupset, or irked. Gee really?!?!? Who would have thought. It is fun to watch the other walkers and the joggers as they go around me or as I go around them. I have not taken the brace off yet to walk the track and it clicks as I take my step with that leg. It is a pretty good cadence thing as well.
The doctor told me that I was going to be a good weatherperson for quite some time yet. My leg doesn't swell as much but it sure does hurt when the pressure changes right before the storms... and this cold snap was bad... it has been below zero for several days now and it has been a constant minor nagging pain... by minor I mean I have not been able to do much after my therapy but lay on the couch or put my leg up, which is good because I got a crocheted had done for Beccaboo and worked on a scarf for Mrfit. I am also working on a blanket for a baby that is due in a few months.
I am still housebound because of my blazer being broke. And with the temps being so low, the person who is supposed to be fixing it just isn't able to do it. And now it has a bunch of snow piled behind it so DJ will have to fight his kids to go move the snow they put there in the first place. I think I will try to help him get some of it done if I can. I need my blazer back. I think that that would help this funk I am in somewhat. My boss wants me to work an 8 pm to 4 am shift on Wednesday evening. He even told me I can have the company vehicle to do it in as the job requires being outside all night long. I don't mind doing it but it means I have to give up part of my Wednesday evening stuff I do. I am not sure how I am going to handle that yet. It will all be good though.
The lady from WC called me today too. I am to call her the end of the week and let her know if it is more steady. hahaha.... She is not going to change any of my payments yet unless I do more steady work, which is a good thing because it is not going to be steady work for another few months at least. There is not a lot that I can do with the restrictions.
I also have not reached MMI. The doctor says MMI stands for maximum medical improvement. He says I may never reach maximum but he doesn't want to see me until July unless something changes and that I am the only one that will be able to say if something has changed. He says not to push myself too hard. I have to wonder, however, just what impact that metal in my leg will have on it in the long run. I mean I can no longer fully straighten my leg out. I used to be able to hyper-extend both my legs a bit. Almost all people can unless there is an injury to one of them. I can not even get the left one to a 0 degree straightness. It will go as low as a 3 degree as I slightly hyper-extend the right one. Bending-wise, it bends past the 90 degree but still does not bend as far as the other one. That, I guess, is what they mean by not being at MMI yet.
It's hard to believe that it has been six months since my life changed so drastically. So much has changed. So much still remains the same... I think that that is an oxymoron of sorts. Kind of reminds me of IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES. IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES............... OH well that is for another blog.... January 20 beyond addiction schoolOnce upon a time I went to school to be a counselor. I wanted to help teenagers with addiction problems. MOST teenagers who have a problem with drugs, alcohol, or whatever else it is at the current moment have that problem to deal with more critical underlying issues that are not being addressed. For that matter, all adults have that same problem.
I learned that a person can be addicted to anything. Anything that hinders, slows or keeps a person from a seemingly sane existance can be an addiction. AND I DO MEAN ANYTHING. People concentrate on the bad ones like drugs and alcohol but fail to understand that computers, games, work, blah blah blah can be addictions trying to hide the underlying issues.
I stopped, or got out of the field, I was trying to get into for a couple of reasons. The first being it is an extremely male dominated field in my part of our country. Those males do not take too kindly to having a young pipsqueak trying to tell them that the teenagers are not going to want to talk to them, to open up to them, with them dressed all stodgy and stuffy. I could deal with that. There were other ways of doing what I wanted to do without dealing with the stuffies....
The second reason I stopped was because I was told that my psychology made someone feel stupid and that I was not to use it. So I stopped using it completely. Sometimes I regret not going on with it. But I was in love and I wanted to make that person happy and if it meant giving up a part of me to do it then I would.
Now I know you are asking yourself what all this has to do with...... and what brought all this up....
I mentioned before that I have been trying real hard to keep myself from a real deep depression. I did not completely give up on my psychology. Once you learn something you can never really forget it or do without it. It is like the riding the bike thing.... once you learn, you always know how to... you may just need some refreshers on it. I learned in school that the one set of persons you could not help is your own family. Sometimes that is because you fail to see the bigger picture. Sometimes, it is because you do not know how to deal with the issues even though you see them. Sometimes, it is because you are not allowed to use what you do know to do to help heal the issues at hand. It makes me feel so helpless.
I have given up a lot to make things better for everyone else in my family. By doing so, I have made myself sad. Even depressed. Now... NOW.... they are noticing this. But instead of looking at the whole picture of what is causing all the discontent in the household, they want to know why I have problems.... why I have so many issues and why I can't just leave them alone. Me leave them alone...
I spend all day alone cleaning up after them, speaking to no one because my friends know that my husband sleeps all day and I am not allowed to go anywhere with them. I can't go to my one best friend's house because my daughter acts as if she is queen and I am just a servant put on this earth to do everything for them. When they are awake and at home I am not to talk to them because they have lives of their own and they want to do their things with their time.
AND THEY WONDER WHY I SEEM SOOOOOO DEPRESSED........
Thank you for letting me vent some more... perhaps one year I will figure some of this out.... understand why it all bothers me as it does... they aren't bad people... they just are........ January 14 thoughts...Sometimes to figure out where one is going one has to figure out where one has been.
Circles and cycles... cycles and circles...
The things that bother me today I do not think I would have let bother me twenty years ago... likewise, the things twenty years ago that bothered me, I do not give much thought to today because they are not worth the stress.
When I think about things, I have changed a lot in some ways and have not changed at all in others. I suppose that, as with other parts of my life, this is not an unusaul occurance. That all of us change some things and not others. But are some of those others an integrated part of our being or are those things just stuff we are being stubborn about and holding onto.
I am speaking about the things that make our inner beings. Our inner thoughts, our inner feelings. How can I feel alone in a room full of people? Why does it make me feel so empty spending day after day alone with no one to talk to? Shouldn't I be happy for the quiet and the solitude? That is what those I live with would have me feel.
I feel as if I mean nothing more to anyone than a person to clean up after them. I feel as if my dreams and wants and desires are not worthy of anyone listening to or my doing anything about. I gave up my coffee shop for my family so that we could spend more time together only to have them decide that they wanted to do things outside of the house WITHOUT me. When I do leave, I am called by every single one of them demanding to know where I am at, what I am doing, who I am with and when I will be home and why I wasn't at home when they got arrived home. I tell them I want to do things and they tell me how I can do them or where I can do them.... not do them as I want to or where I want to...
I mean I want to go back to school... I want to get a different degree... but everytime I tell my husband about any of it, he tells me well I can do that at our local 2 year college or can I get the certificate or two year degree for that field instead and will all of my past credits transfer over??? I do not see what the big deal is about me going back to school other than the fact that he once upon a time told me my psychology made him feel stupid and I am not allowed to use it.
(Just like I am not allowed to do any work on any vehicles because it is a MAN THING not a woman thing and yet I sit here without a vehicle to drive waiting on the MAN THING who does not have the time of day or the hurry to fix it... why should he... without a running vehicle I am completely totally dependant upon everyone else to run me anywhere I need to go... so shopping, banking, bill paying, even my therapy workouts.... everything I do requires my waiting on someone else to make time for me... so why should he fix it... I am where he wants me to be at home alone, and lonely...) {more on the dependant thing in another blog}
Back to the school thing... perhaps the reason why there is so much conflict over my wanting to go back to school has to do with him not wanting to feel stupid... but I don't say things like that to him about his EMT schools or his paramedicine school. In fact, I am thrilled that he is going to school for these things. I don't see how my going to school in criminal justice would make him feel stupid or step on his toes. I don't understand why I should settle on a certificate or an AAS degree from our local college when I can get a BA or a BS degree from a reputable 4 year college online.
Perhaps it has little at all to do with the schooling at all.
The source of my aloneness... emptiness....loneliness... where does it come from.... and why does it bother me so mmuch?
So many thoughts... so much confusion.... uncertainty about the things I see and know and the causes behind them... questions as to why .... hmmm... why to all kinds of things.... January 09 New BeginningsGod has a funny way of getting our attention when we do what we want and not what HE has in mind for us. I have looked at the last 6 months as a series of lessons from God. I have looked at my family and, as such, where our troubles are rooted. I have looked at my own life and what has brought me to where I am today. I have questioned God. I have questioned those in my life. I have pondered why I let things out of my control bother me as I do.
I have not walked away from God, mind you. I have just questioned why the things are happening in my life at this moment. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that there is a learning process for all of us and that something that happens to me may be for someone else's benefit. Knowing this does not make me feel better.
Before I continue, I must comment on my leg. It is, or was, still fractured pretty bad as of the day before Thanksgiving. I go into the doctor's office again on the 21st of this month to have another set of xrays taken. I am sooooooooo tired of it being broke. I am sooooo tired of not being able to work. I am soooo tired of it hurting all the time... and I have new pains to deal with. I don't think it is the actual break that hurts any longer. It is more from the cold now, and the muscles readjusting to the workouts I am giving them to get them back into the shape they once were. The cold ... let's just say that I can tell when it is going to snow, how bad it is going to snow, and if and when the temperature will drop below freezing. There are different intense pains for each of them on different parts of the upper tibia and under the kneecap. I did find out, though. why it takes so long for this type of fracture to heal. It seems that the tibia bone gets the least amount of the red blood cells, and when you add metal to a bad fracture, it makes the body believe that there is no fracture thus causing it to not send any extra red blood cells to speed the healing up. It makes sense, I just wish it wasn't soooo long. Hopefully I will be released for at least light duty when I go in on the 21st. I miss working. I miss being out of my house.
I have made some changes in my life. I have made some changes to my page. No longer am I going to worry about what others think about what I am writing. Those that consider themselves my friends will not condemn me for letting my feelings out on my own site. I won't let them any longer. They do not have that control over me any longer.
I am not going to let my family dictate to me any longer what I can write about or how I can feel, either. I have dealt with children who have no concerns over taking (stealing) my things and yet go balistic if I move their stuff to clean my house. I have dealt with children lying to me and others about me. I have dealt with my feelings on the fact that I am not to be a part of my husband's fire department life, even though it takes away from our life and it is a part of him.
I have spent the better part of the last two months either sick or depressed. My blazer broke down the same day Jett (my oldest) bought his new pathfinder. The person fixing it has been sick on and off for the last month and half so it is still not fixed. It is almost impossible for me to get anyone to even drive me to the store. They are all busy with their own thing to be concerned with my needs or wants. Have I accepted that? Not very well I must admit. It hurts to know that my husband would rather do his own things and keep me stranded at the house and then not understand why I want some adult human contact. It bothers me that I should not be upset that he spends every Saturday night with another woman at the firehall and I am not supposed to be suspicious about it but yet I have to tell him about phone calls I get.
There are a lot of areas I still need to work on as you can see. These blogs will be for that. They will be for more as well. But I need to use this for what I intended it for in the beginning. I was going to change sites but then decided to just change this one. I will try to not always write about the sad icky parts of things because my life is by no means all sad. But I must get the sad out somehow if I am to make the rest of it good.
With that I leave you with this: I found it on http://www.prayer.ag.org/ while I was doing some homework for the girls I teach on Wednesday nights. God bless and keep us all safe in our endeavors.
Daily Prayer QuotePray for a faith that will not shrink when it is washed in the waters of affliction. |
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