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February 26 work and fluLife has a way of giving me new loops to jump through just when I think things are on the upwards rebound...
My wonderful attempt to work the arenacross this last weekend was not a complete failure but I did only work one day of the two. I was down for most of the week with influenza type A... don't ask me the difference between them for I do not know... but my fever of 103 plus finally broke sometime Friday and my boss let me work Saturday... actually needed me to work because two others went down with it by the end of Friday night... He put me in the way back away from everyone watching the doors for those that would try to sneak in... it wasn't actually all that bad because I was out of the veiw of people so I could sit if I needed to but it was awful lonely and boring... but it was work and I had fun anyway... My temp all week bounced between 101 and 103.4 which is not all that great for me... it causes nasty little fever blisters on my lips when it gets that high... only in one spot too... which is curious to me... strange I know...
A nice little side effect of my being sick... Mrfit is now sick... hahahahahahehehehehehe.... actually I feel bad for him for being sick... he missed school Monday and has a test on Wednesday... oh and he used up the last of the daytime cold and flu stuff we had in the house and I have no way of going and getting him anymore and I will be danged if I am going to walk three miles to get him some more.... just isn't going to happen...
I get to work the rodeo this weekend... it should be a blast... although I am thinking that someone will have to be back in the area I was in for the arenacross again... I am hoping I will at least be put at the smoking doors this time... I understand why he wanted me back away from people and in a place where if the fumes got to be too much I could step outside and still do my job and get out of the fumes for a few moments...
oh oh oh oh...... (this is me being excited... very excited) oh oh oh oh oh oh .....
I have green plants starting to sprout up and out and growing... this is sooooooooooo cool and awesome... because I also still have snow all over parts of my yards.... this new growth is under my kitchen window and faces east... I always get it about mid-February and even if it snows it doesn't die... it is so awesome to see because it reaffirms that spring is coming and that life is good... even with all the cold and bitterness and the dead stuff lying with it the green stuff is beautiful...
sort of reminds me of life... even with the bitterness of the storms that seem to be hammering me, there is such beauty and wonderful things all around me... also reminds me of JOB... think I will re-read JOB tonight... will blog on what I learn later...
for now HUGS and PRAYERS February 18 Accountawhat?????Ok, so I have some time alone and all the chores are done that anyone could and would get mad at me for not having done. Actually, I have spent a lot of time by myself lately. Not by choice but I was trying to prove a point to someone who really does not give a crap about anything that does not put him at the center of my universe. Forget that I may need to go to a store. Forget that I may need adult conversation now and then. Forget the fact that time and time again I have mentioned these things to him. IF it does not center around him, it must not be important.
I know that some of you, along with some of my close friends, think I should just walk away and be happy again. It is not that I am unhappy. Oh ... wait.... yes I am... I am tired of being treated like I don't matter. God made me to matter. God made me ... I matter to HIM... but that doesn't help that deep down feeling... you know the one... the one that gnaws at your inner being.... the one that says you need to be important to at least one other person... I don't leave because for all of my life I have walked away from things instead of dealing with them... I have drank them away (or so I thought)... I have moved away from them... I have even drugged them out of my mind... but they are always there... there is no escaping them...
Even my mom says that there signs of these things as a small child... Now my mom and I often remember the same situation differently... I suppose that comes from the fact that there are always three different sides to every story... what I saw, what you saw, and what actually truly happened... so there has to be some basis for what my mother tells both me and my other half... but the only thing he ever remembers when I tell him about some of these things that I am feeling now is that fact that my mother told him I have always been emotional and then he tells me to get over it and walks off...
I think on those things from the past to try and help me figure out the now... events from long ago have shaped how I am today and I need to figure out what it is that has had this effect... I try to remember good things but they are few and far between... I had always assumed it was because what I do remember happening was so traumatic for a child to deal with... but sometimes I think that it goes back even farther than that... and that stuff I do remember as a child never got dealt with either... was just pushed aside so that no one else had to deal with their actions or lack of actions...
SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY THAT NO ONE IS EVER HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE THINGS THAT THEY DO THAT THEY KNOW THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT HURTS ANOTHER LIVING BEING....
Nothing ever gets dealt with... and I am left feeling things that I know what are... I know what I would tell others to do... I even know that there are meds to help me until I get past this but I also know I am not going to turn to any drugs legal or otherwise to deal with this anymore.... I also know that walking away isn't going to change the fact that there are flaws in both of us that need to be worked on and only one of us doing so isn't going to save anything...
I try to be supportive of all he wants to do and does... but I don't even get the same respect when it comes to a job I want to apply for or a task I want to try... instead I get you can't do that... or you don't need to do that... and I am not to ask anyone else to drive me around anymore so I can't even have my friends take me to do it...
I tried surprising him with something the other day and he got mad at me for him... I was only trying to show him I was thinking of him... the look in his face was all it took ... but the tone in his voice pushed me over the edge...
no I didn't get mad...
Actually, I crawled within myself... I wouldn't even let myself cry as long as he was around... but when they came they came hard and long... and didn't stop until he showed back up.... and then after he left again they started...
But onto some brighter notes.... I started work two weekends ago. It felt so good to be back to work... even with the jerks that think they are above the rules and can do what they want... those are the ones that are the most fun... when people ask me why I do what I do I usually respond with "I like my job because I get paid to be a b*t*h." and that is the sum of it... I get to be around different people all the time and I get to be rather blunt and somewhat forceful to some...
The racetrack is going to be fun this summer... they are increasing the days to both Fridays and Saturdays this summer instead of just Saturdays... and they are going to have summer concerts as well... they will be a blast... Supposedly Vince Neal is supposed to be coming this summer... You know... formerly from Motley Crew.... will see.... Also one of the latest Am. Idol winners is supposed to be coming.... OH.......... AND THE RACING TRUCKS..... THE BIG RIGS THAT RACE.... now all they have to do is increase the track size and get my sweety here...... oh yeah... he is too famous now to come up here....
 All I will tell you about that is there are two nascar drivers that I would not mind frisking at all... not one bit lol.......... or even just talking to for an hour... I have so many questions for them....This coming weekend I get to do a arenacross... I will let you know how that goes...
 Be well my friends.... God bless you all....
February 02 what was thenI don't remember much looking back at my life. I don't remember much , that is, except the pain. Little things of pleasure pop up here and there. Memories linger around more often though. It's funny, ironically speaking, how present day can bring all th ose things back that I tried so hard to put away for good. I remember little things but then I think about them and then I think that maybe the thought I first had happened at a different span in time than I first remembered them at. I start doubting my own sanity because I don't remember things that happened to me the way others involved remember them happening. There are so many unanswered questions. No one wants to talk about it. Yet everyone blames everyone else. And no one moves on. No wonder no one talks. It's no wonder no one works on anything to improve the relationships.
I know that there are things back th ere that affect everything I do in the present. I don't know how I am ever to work on things if I doubt myself so much about that part of my life. I don't know how I am to ever feel that rightness I felt before. I can't even say what brought all these self doubts back. I can only g uess at part of them. I know that they have been working at it for quite a long period in my life.
I think when I started giving up myself to what others thought I should be or feel, I started losing what I had worked so hard to gain. I can't help but feel as I did before I started that long walk back to me... the long walk that God had planned for me all along. I see a lot of long walks and curves on that road again. |
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