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I am at a loss for words. I have been thinking a lot about something lately and am dumbfounded at the responses I get from people.  I have rambled on and on about being honest and trying to live with integrity.  But for some reason these things are either dependent upon each individual's interpretation of the meanings of the words or just out of reach for them to do.

I am dumbfounded because it seems that I must be the only one that has those values and struggles with personal demons that not too many people realize I struggle with.  Heck, I must be the only one that has any values and struggles at all.  There are things about me that only a few people have ever been allowed that deep inside of me.  I don't even think Mike, with all the 16 years we were together, even knows some of them.  I am dumbfounded that they would respond that way because I do not force those demons on anyone.  I do not act on them.  I do not let them out, as I said, except for those few people that do get to know about them.  I don't even talk about the demons to most people.  Usually when I do, most of them either don't talk to me anymore or find me even more interesting.  

I had a long talk with one of my pastors today.  I had a long talk with a couple people in fact. I respect these people and value their friendship and their wisdom in the things that honestly I missed out my entire life.  Let's face it.  I missed out on some things and I don't think it is wrong for me to want some of them now.  In fact, biblically speaking, it is the only right thing to do.  I may not like what it is they tell me but I do listen to them.  I take their words to heart and mind and think on them and give them to God. 

I then asked Mike when our marriage fell apart for him.  I was not the least bit surprised by his answer.  A bit shocked but not surprised.  His answer fell into the timeframe I knew that things were way far gone and I was not able to give up any more of myself.  It was already all gone.  I had given up all I had except for the sadness and depression and the hurt and the anger.  There was nothing left without some help from him and he didn't want that from my perspective.  He wanted me to be the way he wanted me to be and none of the me I wanted to be.  Imagine my surprise to find out he blames me for not being happy. 
But back to my earlier discussions.  

Biblically speaking I should not be thinking about the things I am thinking about yet.  Although there is good and just cause for the divorce and there is no fault of mine in God's eyes,  the thoughts and actions should not be there yet.  And yet they are there.   Also, have I really worked through the issues that led to the breakup in the first place?  I don't think I have completely worked through them.  I don't know if a person can ever really deal with all of it.  I think it is something that has to be dealt with and then move on.  I think those feelings will resurface from time to time for the rest of my life.  Love is not something that ever truly goes away.  The depth of it may change but it never really goes away.  It gets imprinted in our hard circuits.  Just like some of those demons I spoke about do.  Some of them are just there.  Will be there for the rest of my life.  They are imprinted so deeply and rooted so far in that I can only do my best to work around them and let God work his miracles with them.

I can not tell you what made me so sad.  I can not tell you what depressed me so bad that I layed on the couch a lot and cried myself to sleep.  It wouldn't do any good anyway.  How I see those things that led to that and how the others involved see them are two different things.  I do know that I wish Mike all the happiness in the world.  I do not hate him for what he has chosen to do. It would do me no good to anyway.  That kind of anger and hate are not good for the body.  To be honest with myself and everyone else, I had already had some of my things packed up.  I was going to leave too, and then, decided I wanted my house that he did not want and wasn't leaving it.  I know... loser of a reason to stay somewhere that I was unhappy.  But that wasn't the only reason I didn't leave. God allowed us to be together for a reason and I was not going to second guess God. I was going to trust him.

Now I am going to trust Him to guide me to what is out there for me.  I know that all the deep dark things inside me  HE holds in is hands and watches me and protects me and keeps me.  I know that I will over and over again have to ask HIS forgiveness.  I am human.  I am bound to make mistakes and do the one thing that hurts me worse than anything else ever will.  I want to be able to hear the words "Good Job Good and faithful servant."  I want to keep living with integrity and honor.  I want to be able to hold my head up and say that I am worth something.  I want to know that I matter to someone, somewhere, somehow...

But with the hard times to come, I will keep moving on... moving on...

Life... hope...truth.. trust... faith... pride... love... lust.... 


All those things that all of us long for... all of us strive for... all of us try to have and give to others...  is that so wrong?

make the best with what you're given, this ain't life... this is living...