Jill's profileJill's Coffeeshop - Th...PhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
|
January 22 the leg update...I am released for modified work. In the security guard field, that leaves very little I can do. I can not climb at all. NO running... limited stairs. Limited standing. I am not released to stop wearing my brace as long as it is icy and snowy out.
I have started walking laps at the health club. I do a mile a day. Then it is off to the authorized and approved machines that the doctor told me I can do. It seems that while most of the bone is healed, it is still very soft and even the ball-part of the fibia bone is even soft now from not using it as it should have been. I am learning a lot about bone make-up and just exactly how much we depend upon and need our bones. I can not put any added weight on the machines that I am allowed to use, which is probably a good thing because even without the weights on it, the machines hurt some.
The walks have proven to be quite interesting. Mrfit and I have talked during them. Some of it good talk, some small talk, some not so good talk. But at least it is talking. It is a start. I have always tended to walk fast. I have to learn to slow myself down because the walks hurt. I have also noticed (and he has to because he mentioned it today) that I speed up when I am mad, uupset, or irked. Gee really?!?!? Who would have thought. It is fun to watch the other walkers and the joggers as they go around me or as I go around them. I have not taken the brace off yet to walk the track and it clicks as I take my step with that leg. It is a pretty good cadence thing as well.
The doctor told me that I was going to be a good weatherperson for quite some time yet. My leg doesn't swell as much but it sure does hurt when the pressure changes right before the storms... and this cold snap was bad... it has been below zero for several days now and it has been a constant minor nagging pain... by minor I mean I have not been able to do much after my therapy but lay on the couch or put my leg up, which is good because I got a crocheted had done for Beccaboo and worked on a scarf for Mrfit. I am also working on a blanket for a baby that is due in a few months.
I am still housebound because of my blazer being broke. And with the temps being so low, the person who is supposed to be fixing it just isn't able to do it. And now it has a bunch of snow piled behind it so DJ will have to fight his kids to go move the snow they put there in the first place. I think I will try to help him get some of it done if I can. I need my blazer back. I think that that would help this funk I am in somewhat. My boss wants me to work an 8 pm to 4 am shift on Wednesday evening. He even told me I can have the company vehicle to do it in as the job requires being outside all night long. I don't mind doing it but it means I have to give up part of my Wednesday evening stuff I do. I am not sure how I am going to handle that yet. It will all be good though.
The lady from WC called me today too. I am to call her the end of the week and let her know if it is more steady. hahaha.... She is not going to change any of my payments yet unless I do more steady work, which is a good thing because it is not going to be steady work for another few months at least. There is not a lot that I can do with the restrictions.
I also have not reached MMI. The doctor says MMI stands for maximum medical improvement. He says I may never reach maximum but he doesn't want to see me until July unless something changes and that I am the only one that will be able to say if something has changed. He says not to push myself too hard. I have to wonder, however, just what impact that metal in my leg will have on it in the long run. I mean I can no longer fully straighten my leg out. I used to be able to hyper-extend both my legs a bit. Almost all people can unless there is an injury to one of them. I can not even get the left one to a 0 degree straightness. It will go as low as a 3 degree as I slightly hyper-extend the right one. Bending-wise, it bends past the 90 degree but still does not bend as far as the other one. That, I guess, is what they mean by not being at MMI yet.
It's hard to believe that it has been six months since my life changed so drastically. So much has changed. So much still remains the same... I think that that is an oxymoron of sorts. Kind of reminds me of IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES. IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES............... OH well that is for another blog.... January 20 beyond addiction schoolOnce upon a time I went to school to be a counselor. I wanted to help teenagers with addiction problems. MOST teenagers who have a problem with drugs, alcohol, or whatever else it is at the current moment have that problem to deal with more critical underlying issues that are not being addressed. For that matter, all adults have that same problem.
I learned that a person can be addicted to anything. Anything that hinders, slows or keeps a person from a seemingly sane existance can be an addiction. AND I DO MEAN ANYTHING. People concentrate on the bad ones like drugs and alcohol but fail to understand that computers, games, work, blah blah blah can be addictions trying to hide the underlying issues.
I stopped, or got out of the field, I was trying to get into for a couple of reasons. The first being it is an extremely male dominated field in my part of our country. Those males do not take too kindly to having a young pipsqueak trying to tell them that the teenagers are not going to want to talk to them, to open up to them, with them dressed all stodgy and stuffy. I could deal with that. There were other ways of doing what I wanted to do without dealing with the stuffies....
The second reason I stopped was because I was told that my psychology made someone feel stupid and that I was not to use it. So I stopped using it completely. Sometimes I regret not going on with it. But I was in love and I wanted to make that person happy and if it meant giving up a part of me to do it then I would.
Now I know you are asking yourself what all this has to do with...... and what brought all this up....
I mentioned before that I have been trying real hard to keep myself from a real deep depression. I did not completely give up on my psychology. Once you learn something you can never really forget it or do without it. It is like the riding the bike thing.... once you learn, you always know how to... you may just need some refreshers on it. I learned in school that the one set of persons you could not help is your own family. Sometimes that is because you fail to see the bigger picture. Sometimes, it is because you do not know how to deal with the issues even though you see them. Sometimes, it is because you are not allowed to use what you do know to do to help heal the issues at hand. It makes me feel so helpless.
I have given up a lot to make things better for everyone else in my family. By doing so, I have made myself sad. Even depressed. Now... NOW.... they are noticing this. But instead of looking at the whole picture of what is causing all the discontent in the household, they want to know why I have problems.... why I have so many issues and why I can't just leave them alone. Me leave them alone...
I spend all day alone cleaning up after them, speaking to no one because my friends know that my husband sleeps all day and I am not allowed to go anywhere with them. I can't go to my one best friend's house because my daughter acts as if she is queen and I am just a servant put on this earth to do everything for them. When they are awake and at home I am not to talk to them because they have lives of their own and they want to do their things with their time.
AND THEY WONDER WHY I SEEM SOOOOOO DEPRESSED........
Thank you for letting me vent some more... perhaps one year I will figure some of this out.... understand why it all bothers me as it does... they aren't bad people... they just are........ January 14 thoughts...Sometimes to figure out where one is going one has to figure out where one has been.
Circles and cycles... cycles and circles...
The things that bother me today I do not think I would have let bother me twenty years ago... likewise, the things twenty years ago that bothered me, I do not give much thought to today because they are not worth the stress.
When I think about things, I have changed a lot in some ways and have not changed at all in others. I suppose that, as with other parts of my life, this is not an unusaul occurance. That all of us change some things and not others. But are some of those others an integrated part of our being or are those things just stuff we are being stubborn about and holding onto.
I am speaking about the things that make our inner beings. Our inner thoughts, our inner feelings. How can I feel alone in a room full of people? Why does it make me feel so empty spending day after day alone with no one to talk to? Shouldn't I be happy for the quiet and the solitude? That is what those I live with would have me feel.
I feel as if I mean nothing more to anyone than a person to clean up after them. I feel as if my dreams and wants and desires are not worthy of anyone listening to or my doing anything about. I gave up my coffee shop for my family so that we could spend more time together only to have them decide that they wanted to do things outside of the house WITHOUT me. When I do leave, I am called by every single one of them demanding to know where I am at, what I am doing, who I am with and when I will be home and why I wasn't at home when they got arrived home. I tell them I want to do things and they tell me how I can do them or where I can do them.... not do them as I want to or where I want to...
I mean I want to go back to school... I want to get a different degree... but everytime I tell my husband about any of it, he tells me well I can do that at our local 2 year college or can I get the certificate or two year degree for that field instead and will all of my past credits transfer over??? I do not see what the big deal is about me going back to school other than the fact that he once upon a time told me my psychology made him feel stupid and I am not allowed to use it.
(Just like I am not allowed to do any work on any vehicles because it is a MAN THING not a woman thing and yet I sit here without a vehicle to drive waiting on the MAN THING who does not have the time of day or the hurry to fix it... why should he... without a running vehicle I am completely totally dependant upon everyone else to run me anywhere I need to go... so shopping, banking, bill paying, even my therapy workouts.... everything I do requires my waiting on someone else to make time for me... so why should he fix it... I am where he wants me to be at home alone, and lonely...) {more on the dependant thing in another blog}
Back to the school thing... perhaps the reason why there is so much conflict over my wanting to go back to school has to do with him not wanting to feel stupid... but I don't say things like that to him about his EMT schools or his paramedicine school. In fact, I am thrilled that he is going to school for these things. I don't see how my going to school in criminal justice would make him feel stupid or step on his toes. I don't understand why I should settle on a certificate or an AAS degree from our local college when I can get a BA or a BS degree from a reputable 4 year college online.
Perhaps it has little at all to do with the schooling at all.
The source of my aloneness... emptiness....loneliness... where does it come from.... and why does it bother me so mmuch?
So many thoughts... so much confusion.... uncertainty about the things I see and know and the causes behind them... questions as to why .... hmmm... why to all kinds of things.... January 09 New BeginningsGod has a funny way of getting our attention when we do what we want and not what HE has in mind for us. I have looked at the last 6 months as a series of lessons from God. I have looked at my family and, as such, where our troubles are rooted. I have looked at my own life and what has brought me to where I am today. I have questioned God. I have questioned those in my life. I have pondered why I let things out of my control bother me as I do.
I have not walked away from God, mind you. I have just questioned why the things are happening in my life at this moment. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that there is a learning process for all of us and that something that happens to me may be for someone else's benefit. Knowing this does not make me feel better.
Before I continue, I must comment on my leg. It is, or was, still fractured pretty bad as of the day before Thanksgiving. I go into the doctor's office again on the 21st of this month to have another set of xrays taken. I am sooooooooo tired of it being broke. I am sooooo tired of not being able to work. I am soooo tired of it hurting all the time... and I have new pains to deal with. I don't think it is the actual break that hurts any longer. It is more from the cold now, and the muscles readjusting to the workouts I am giving them to get them back into the shape they once were. The cold ... let's just say that I can tell when it is going to snow, how bad it is going to snow, and if and when the temperature will drop below freezing. There are different intense pains for each of them on different parts of the upper tibia and under the kneecap. I did find out, though. why it takes so long for this type of fracture to heal. It seems that the tibia bone gets the least amount of the red blood cells, and when you add metal to a bad fracture, it makes the body believe that there is no fracture thus causing it to not send any extra red blood cells to speed the healing up. It makes sense, I just wish it wasn't soooo long. Hopefully I will be released for at least light duty when I go in on the 21st. I miss working. I miss being out of my house.
I have made some changes in my life. I have made some changes to my page. No longer am I going to worry about what others think about what I am writing. Those that consider themselves my friends will not condemn me for letting my feelings out on my own site. I won't let them any longer. They do not have that control over me any longer.
I am not going to let my family dictate to me any longer what I can write about or how I can feel, either. I have dealt with children who have no concerns over taking (stealing) my things and yet go balistic if I move their stuff to clean my house. I have dealt with children lying to me and others about me. I have dealt with my feelings on the fact that I am not to be a part of my husband's fire department life, even though it takes away from our life and it is a part of him.
I have spent the better part of the last two months either sick or depressed. My blazer broke down the same day Jett (my oldest) bought his new pathfinder. The person fixing it has been sick on and off for the last month and half so it is still not fixed. It is almost impossible for me to get anyone to even drive me to the store. They are all busy with their own thing to be concerned with my needs or wants. Have I accepted that? Not very well I must admit. It hurts to know that my husband would rather do his own things and keep me stranded at the house and then not understand why I want some adult human contact. It bothers me that I should not be upset that he spends every Saturday night with another woman at the firehall and I am not supposed to be suspicious about it but yet I have to tell him about phone calls I get.
There are a lot of areas I still need to work on as you can see. These blogs will be for that. They will be for more as well. But I need to use this for what I intended it for in the beginning. I was going to change sites but then decided to just change this one. I will try to not always write about the sad icky parts of things because my life is by no means all sad. But I must get the sad out somehow if I am to make the rest of it good.
With that I leave you with this: I found it on http://www.prayer.ag.org/ while I was doing some homework for the girls I teach on Wednesday nights. God bless and keep us all safe in our endeavors.
Daily Prayer QuotePray for a faith that will not shrink when it is washed in the waters of affliction. |
|
|
